Tag: family life

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To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse…until lockdown do us part?!

24/7 lockdown. It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? And when couples with kids are thrust into isolation the D word can crop up. Did you know that in Wuhan, as ‘normal’ life starts to resume, divorce rates soar to an all time high? 

These unprecedented times certainly put a sudden strain on family life – our rhythm and routine completely upended; swept aside by a tornado of new and relentless responsibilities. Overnight, some parents have become teachers, all the while navigating toddler tantrums, sibling squabbles and newborn neediness. Many juggling all this whilst working from home or supporting a partner trying to get some work done, too. This really tests the confines of the home – the kitchen table taking on a whole new identity as a shared working space. But whilst many in Wuhan leap to ‘opt out’, for me – and many others – this might just be the best thing to have happened to my marriage… 

I didn’t return to work after my firstborn. In truth, there wasn’t much to return to. I’d been freelancing as a yoga instructor and there aren’t many students prepared to wait around for a teacher who goes on mat leave. So, I’ve been a stay-at-home parent now for the best part of five years. And by stay-at-home, I mean I rule the roost. I am, quite frankly, the boss of our babies, making every parenting decision when it comes to our children.

From sleep routines and pram pushing to get them to actually nap, to weaning, cooking and feeding them to get them to actually eat; from policing an at-all-times-fully-stocked changing bag to clamouring around soft plays and running around playgrounds; from clearing up vomit, dragging them to the doctor and holding them down for vaccinations, to potty training, packing for holidays and dealing with mounds of their washing when we get back… This list is non-exhaustive. And it is also endless.

Over the past five years, I have sacrificed months of sleep tending to them through the nights (they are God awful sleepers) and I can count on one hand the number of bath times they’ve had without me. All the while never once has there not been food in the fridge, on the table, or a dry, bare cupboard in the house. So guess what? The balance in mine and my husband’s relationship shifted. 

Here’s the thing with us; we have always been a great partnership. A real team. We’ve had to overcome some difficult life events but we’ve always come through stronger. Yet no moment has dynamically changed our relationship as much as the arrival of our much wanted and longed for children. 

It certainly wasn’t my fault.  Nor in any way was it his. It was just the way it had to be in our family. His pressurised job often demanded long hours and, since moving out of London, he endures over an hour of commute – each way, each day. I am, of course, not a single parent but, wow, can I relate to the intensity of what that life must be like after daily, back-to-back 14 hour shifts solo parenting all week long.

Yet these past couple of weeks, with my husband working from home, we’ve discovered a renewed balance to our hectic life as a family of four. Don’t get me wrong, the night wakings are still my domain, but there is a little less pressure for me to get up after a bad night because there is no mad dash for the 7.07 train that morning.

PLUS there’s an extra pair of hands around to pick up the washing, make the beds, take down the water glasses and feed the cat! There’s also somebody else here at bath time. Every. Single. Night. And someone to hoover and tidy up whilst the other reads bedtime stories and dries wet hair. I’ve even had lunch made for me this week, twice… Between you and me, I could really get used to this!

The atmosphere outside our noisy, chaotic homes is an unfamiliar one, and one of fear. We’re anxious and unsettled because we have been forced into lifestyle changes overnight, and who dares hazard a guess at for how long… But as I sit here supping a cuppa that my husband made me whilst taking a break from his work, I remember these wise words: “Don’t be afraid of change. You might end up losing something good, but you may gain something better”.

I hope you all stay home, safe and well. And far from lawyers like us! 

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Love is (still) in the air!

It’s 2020. The year we celebrate a decade of marriage. Thirteen years, in fact, since we first met. THIRTEEN. Unlucky for some? Not for us. But definitely more than most life sentences these days…!

Back in the day, Valentine’s was a milestone moment for us. A date night. Four candlelit courses. Bijou eateries. Home cooked feasts. Gosh, one year I even baked a heart-shaped chocolate mousse cake. I often wonder what ‘me then’ would say to ‘me now’?!

Because now? Now we exchange humorous cards. The type that play on the tension between a couple with two young kids. The sort that reference sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums, sibling squabbles. I think last year my card called me his ‘favourite duvet snatcher’. I mean nothing says ‘everlasting love’ like rowing over the bed covers…But this is us. Ten years into marriage. Two kids in four years. And let’s be honest, family life is gruelling. And relentless. And if one of you is more hands on every day there might just be a tad of resentment thrown into the mix.

I know what you’re thinking. And yes, of course we still love each other. Our lives are full of laughter and love. And quite frankly, there is simply no-one I would rather be doing this with. But if you ask me how I feel about preparing a banquet for my beloved after the bed and bath-time battle, or venturing out after 8pm on a school night, well I’d be honest. That is not our reality right now.

Romance for us these days looks a little more like this:

  • Shall I stack the dishwasher?
  • I’ve just wiped out the high chair so you don’t have to.
  • Don’t worry about the peas on the floor. I already swept them up.

Fire up a takeaway app, flick on another gritty Netflix serial killer documentary (I am obsessed) and promise me one night of undisturbed peaceful sleep. That, my friends, sounds like the best expression of true love I could imagine right now.

Grand gestures and fancy gifts don’t really cut it now. Thirteen years as a couple, we have passed the ‘honeymoon’ phase. Instead it’s the little things that make a difference in the general rampage that is our family-of-four lifestyle. The cup of tea brewed to perfection. Not needing to ask which pizza toppings I want to order. The quiet times cuddled up on the sofa silently smiling at pictures of the kids when they are snoring away upstairs. (If you know, you know!)

So to each and every one of you exhausted parents out there, I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day. And, if you muster up the energy (after tidying up the toys for the fifteenth time that day), take a moment to mutually appreciate what you’ve created together and the effect it has on your relationship. Just make sure you do it before the doorbell rings with the food and you hit play on Netflix!

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Double trouble or twice as nice?

“We’re expecting number two!” you announce. “Bought a double buggy yet?!” joke your friends.

And just like that reality bites. Should you really double up in the pram stakes? Are you kicking yourself for not buying the convert-to-double buggy model the first time round? So. Many. Questions.

Well you’re in good company. I, for one, spent the best part of a trimester figuring out how I would get from A to B with two under two. I played out all the scenarios in my head. I researched online and road tested in store. I carried out ‘stop and search’ on mums with two kids in cafes. I quizzed dads manoeuvring double buggies round supermarket aisles. I was overwhelmed – lost deep in a fog that was part baby brain, part buggy bewilderment.

I soon realised I wouldn’t know if I’d made the right decision until the time came. Because the right buggy for you, is one that fits your lifestyle. So because you can’t just Google the answer, I hope sharing my considerations will help lift the buggy fog for many of you!

‘How much will I actually use a pram for getting out and about?’

For me, the answer was daily. At that time I was living in an inner London flat with a supermarket at both ends of my road – within walking distance of an underground station, a park and my son’s nursery. I thrived on leaving the flat each day, to run errands and meet friends, and even though my two year old son was already a strong walker, I couldn’t rely on his little legs making a round trip each time.

‘But what will I really need to use it for?’

Side-by-side and up-and-down buggies are fantastic options if you’ll mostly be running errands on foot and doing stuff without a need for much lugging in and out of the car. And thanks to their multiple configurations you can switch it up whenever you like – the seat can face you with the baby, turn out for the toddler and you can attach a car seat if baby needs to be transferred to or from the car whilst napping.

Double strollers tick the ‘functional’ box. For a supermarket sweep or midst airport transfer you can pin down both kids, they can be stowed away in a car boot and still leave enough room for shopping bags or suitcases. Plus most boast lie flat modes for naps and some are even multi-way. All this without making too much of a dent in your wallet.

‘And what other alternatives are there?’

Sling it up. Correct, not technically a buggy, but let’s talk about baby carriers. An excellent early days option, especially as newborns crave being held close during the fourth trimester. They allow you to get on with life in and out the house. They gift you the use of both arms to attend to an older sibling’s needs, or simply to hold their hand when crossing a road.

I found a soft style wrap a real advantage during the first few months. Five months in, I replaced it with a more structured sling. And a year on, my daughter was still happy to be carried. The market is evolving fast – so whether you’ve used a sling before or couldn’t quite get on with one in the past, I’d urge you to seek professional advice from a ‘baby wearing expert’ rather than a department store employee. As new brands and ranges emerge thick and fast retailers don’t always understand tech such as ergonomic fit, nor will many have first-hand experience in securing a wriggly baby in place. Best to get down to a local sling library, try a few on for size and read some e-reviews from experts and mums.

Wheeled boards. Another excellent alternative to a double pushchair for those of you with a more active kid in tow. Hop on (but also beware: hop off!) boards are great for when your little walker starts to lose steam.. Plus they can be easily stored when not in use. Boards are super easy to trial in store and, depending on the height of your child, you’ll see in real life if they are tall enough to grab the handle bars, co-ordinated enough to get on (and stay on!) as you push, and generally get them used to the freedom of not being harnessed in. One watch out: navigation. Bumps in the road and lots of kerbs make for a less than smooth ride for both you as the pusher as well as for your little passenger.

Scooters. Look away now if the ‘s’ word fills you with dread, but they are increasingly popular with bigger kids. If ‘scootering ‘ is already your toddler’s thing, and they are competently streetwise, they can be a great alternative to a double buggy. Yet do consider where and when you’ll use it most. Flat roads to nursery? Hilly parks on the weekend? I challenge you to find one mum or dad of a scooter mad tot who hasn’t walked some of the way home with their toddler on their shoulders! And be mindful of storage. Until buggy manufacturers figure out where to fix a scooter on a travel system, it might not be that convenient with a baby in tow.

After months of listing pros and cons, I opted for an up-and-down double buggy. A year in and I used it more as a single pram with a wheeled board for my then three year old, and it proved to have been the right decision for us and our lifestyle. The choices out there are overwhelming, so don’t be afraid to take your time, test and trial. You’ll soon enough have your hands full. Anything to make life easier is worth investing a bit of thought up front.